The kids on the old Mickey Mouse Club used to finish the show with a little song that ended like this:  "Why?   Because we like you.  M-O-U-S-E." 

Those squares had no idea I'd someday be referring to their song as a dramatic way to introduce a hard-hitting web page about the paranoia surrounding the Year 2000.

I'm calling this page:   "Y2K?  Because we like mass panic.  F-U-R-B-Y."

This page arrives only after months of research, involving me scouring the papers for Y2K-related information-- mostly found in Dear Abby and the Grizwells. 

As I continued my Y2K research, strangers would often come up to me at Big Lots and ask:  "Kermit, what can I do to become Y2K compatible?"

Instead of answering all the Y2K questions individually, I have saved up the most frequently asked questions for this page.

Here they are.  Enjoy.

    Q:  Is the sky falling?

    A:  No, but beware of kooks who enjoy nude skydiving.  I once saw a story about that on "Real People", that show back in the 80's hosted by Byron Allen, funny man Skip Stevenson, and Sara Purcell, the woman who cried after each story-- including the one about nude skydiving.

    Q:  What does Y2K stand for?

    A:  The "Y" stands for year, the "2" stands for 2000, and the "K" stands for potassium.

   Q:  What am I doing to prepare for Y2K?

    A:  First, I'm eating a lot of pizza and Chinese food and Cadbury Eggs so I get fat and will have extra energy stored away incase the world shuts down.  That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.
    Second, to insure a solid financial future, I'm investing in cats.   Third, I'm taking the rest of my money out of the bank and inserting it into the slot on the front of my penny loafers.  Fourth, I'm stocking up on fire crackers.

   Q:  Are really, really big pants Y2K compatible?

     A:   No, but cutoffs are.

    Q:  Will your car or custom van start after Y2K?

    A:  First of all, I don't own a custom van, but that doesn't mean I don't want a custom van.   Or a luxury van.  Actually, I dream of someday owning a custom van with a mural of another custom van with a mural on it painted on the side.
    Second of all, my car won't start after Y2K arrives.  But it won't have anything to do with computer glitches or anything-- just the fact that I will have tired, by then, of paying repair bills and "accidentally" driven it into a half-frozen farm pond to collect the insurance money.
    Just kidding, insurance fraud investigators! 

Q:  What are the "Y2K Gremlins"?  And will they be starring in a hit movie this summer?

   A:  I've checked with Hollywood insiders and it turns out Ron Howard is lined up to direct "The Y2K Gremlins", a movie about ugly computerized cars that turn against their creators and plot to take over the universe through the use of diabolical methods.
    Bruce Willis has signed on to play "Billy", and Arsenio Hall reprises the role of "Gizmo".  Hoyt Axton also plans to return as the "inept inventor" -- as long as he isn't dead.

   Q:  Will the cable go out?

    A:  Better not.  This is my primary concern with the whole Y2K issue.  I get upset if I miss my shows. 

   Q:  Are the Bionic Man, Bionic Woman, Bionic Dog and Bionic Bigfoot all Y2K compatible?

    A:  If your Bionic Bigfoot was purchased after 1988, you should be okay.  But since the Bionic Man, for a mere $6 million, was built back in 1974, he will likely explode into a million pieces when the next epoch arrives. 
    Just an idea:  Instead of dropping the big apple at Times Square on "Dick Clark's Rockin' New Year's", why not hold Lee Majors up on a rope and see what happens?

   Q:  What is an epoch?

    A:  Sort of like a burrito, but deep fried.

    Q:  What about Furby?

    A:  Furby is a little too Y2K compliant.  I fear those furry little Gremlins-- if you will-- may run the country come January 1, 2000. 
    We'll be talking their language and all Beanie Babies and Teletubbies will be burned at the stake.

    Q:  Is there any possible way you can tie this back to the Mickey Mouse Club as a gimmicky way to conclude?

    A:  Donald Duck.