Dilbert Rules of the Workplace

If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.

A pat on the back is only a few centimeter from a kick in the butt.

Don't be irreplaceable: if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've
done and what you're going to do.

After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the
month than you did before.

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse
will happen to you the rest of the day.

When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never
talking about themselves.

If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a
damn fool about it.

There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when
the boss asks for a ride home from the office.

Keep you boss's boss off your boss's back.

Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous".

Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.

To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.

Anyone can do any a mount of work provided it isn't the work he/she
is supposed to be doing.

Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the
mail.

If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really
good, you will get out of it.

You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your
desk.

People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.

If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the
number of pens that person is carrying.

When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

Following the rules will not get the job done.

Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.

When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily
by reducing it to the question. "How would the Lone Ranger handle
this?"

No matter how much you do, you never do enough.

The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for
everything that goes wrong.

Do something brilliant and no one is watching. Do something stupid
and the boss is sure to see it.