One time the power went out and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face.  The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.

I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be.  I called someone.  They went "Aaaaahhhhh..."

I'm writing a book.  I've got the page numbers done.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?"  I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."

I invented the cordless extension cord.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

A friend of mine once sent me a postcard with a picture of the entire earth taken from space.  On the back it said, "Wish you were here."

I have the world's largest collection of seashells.  I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.

Four years ago... no, it was yesterday.  Today I... No, that wasn't me.  Sometimes I... No, I don't.

I worked in a health food store once.  A guy came in and asked me, "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"

I put my air conditioner in backwards.  It got cold outside.  The weatherman on TV was confused.   "It was supposed to be hot today."

Today I dialed the wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?"  and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?" They said, "Uh, I don't think so... he's only 2 months old."  I said, "I'll wait."

I like to skate on the other side of the ice.

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

Doing a little work around the house I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew.  People come over and I'm gonna say, "Go ahead, touch it... it feels real."

When I was a little kid we had a sand box.  It was a quicksand box.  I was an only child... eventually.

I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called information.  She said, "Hello, Information."   I said, "I can't find my socks."  She said, "They're behind the couch."  And they were!

Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.

When I turned two I was really anxious because I'd doubled my age in a year.  I though, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.

I bought a dog the other day.   I named him Stay.  It's fun to call him.... "Come here, Stay!  Come here, Stay!"  He went insane.

I had a friend who was a clown.   When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

Sponges grow in the ocean.   That just kills me.  I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving. 

In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs.

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights.  I hit the gas, people behind me stop, I'm gone.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery.  When I got there, the guy was locking the front door.  I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours."  He said, "Yes, but not in a row."

I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish.  I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck.  The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.

I spilled spot remover on my dog.   He's gone now.

I saw a bank that said "24 hour banking", but I don't have that much time.

I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said "Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?"  "Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long..."

My friend has a baby.  I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.  I think I've forgotten this before.

Well, you know when you're rocking in a rocking chair, and you go so far that you almost fall over backwards, but at the last instant you catch yourself?  That's how I feel all the time.

My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift if over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.

A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture.  You don't have to go.  You'll just be walking down the street, and....ooooohhhhh... that's much better...

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali.  He was using a dotted line.  He caught every other fish.

There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.

I lost a button hole today.

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes.  They had little pictures of cats on them.  Then I took one out and he ran in circles.

I wrote a few children's books.... not on purpose.