What's another word for thesaurus?

The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

You can't fall off the floor.

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems.  It's easy to criticize, but if everyone hated you, wouldn't you be paranoid?

Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards.  I got a full house and four people died.

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.  So I had to buy them again.

I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

My neighbor has a circular driveway.   He can't get out.

I bought a house on a one-way-dead-end road.  I don't know how I got there.

Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.

I stayed in a really old hotel last night.  They sent me a wake up letter.

Hermits have no peer pressure.

I just got skylights put in my place.   The people who live above me are furious.

Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers....

I'm a peripheral visionary.

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

You can't have everything... where would you put it?

I went to a restaurant that serves, "breakfast at any time."  So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

While I was gone, someone stole everything in my apartment and replaced it with an exact replica.  When I told my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?"