I think in one of my previous lives I was a mighty king, because I like people to do what I say.

I remember the time, there used to be a house on our block that we thought was haunted, because you'd hear people screaming inside and because people who went in never came out.  Later on we found out it was just a murderer's house.

I can still remember Uncle Rick sitting in that chair of his, listening to opera.  He'd have this weird expression on his face.   Then when he finally got untied from the chair, he'd try to catch us.  Man, he hated opera.

If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron.  That way, if some smart-allek cowboy said something like "Hey, look.  He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, I could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron.  The soldering iron of justice."  Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.

Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself.  "Mankind".  Basically, it's made up of two separate words-- "mank" and "ind".  What do these words mean?   It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.

If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh.  But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me.  Then it wouldn't be quite so funny.

When I was a kid, my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman.  After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while, he would eat one of us.  It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.

Whether they find life there or not, I think Jupiter should be called an enemy planet.

I bet when the Neanderthal kids would make a snowman, someone would always end up saying, "Don't forget the thick, heavy brows."  Then they would all get embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and then they'd get mad and eat the snowman.

If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.

Too bad when I was a kid there wasn't a guy in our class that everybody called "Cricket Boy:", because I would have liked to stand up in class and tell everybody, "You can make fun of the Cricket Boy if you want to, but to me he's just like everybody else."  Then everybody would leave the Cricket Boy alone, and I'd invite him over to spend the night at my house, but after about five minutes of that loud chirping I'd have to kick him out.  Maybe later we could get up a petition to get the Cricket Family run out of town.  Bye, Cricket Boy.

It's easy to go get some lumber and nails and a saw to try to build something.  Anybody can do that.  But, what's hard is to try to take a nap while someone is hammering and sawing.

I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little beds with my name on it.